There is certainly a marked difference between the way you talk to your parents and the way you talk to your friends (or at least I’m hoping). You probably don’t pick up on the transition that occurs from the predictable, linear, and more bland forms of conversation to the energized, jovial, and sarcastic lines of speech when you leave the house to spend a night out with the boys (or girls...or both).
The world tells you to be yourself. It’s plastered on posters in practically every elementary school. Does acting different around different people make you fake then?
I argue no.
Most definitely, no.
I think there is a time to speak formally, a time to speak freely, a time to follow up statements with “sir” and “ma’am”, a time to curse, and a time to say nothing at all. This all depends on the situation, and which part of yourself that situation demands you present. I first stumbled across this phenomenon when I read about Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder whilst doing some reading up on terms mentioned in the the Psychological, Social and Biological Foundations of Behavior section of the MCAT.
It’s years away, I know. But the content is interesting and I’ve got a whole summer to construct some cool new schemas.
Back to the main point, Social Communication Disorder is characterized by the inability to adapt one’s speech to different social contexts. Individuals who are diagnosed with this disorder often also experience distress and feelings of isolation as a result. It piqued my interest into why this is so, therein establishing the origins of this blog post. After some reflection, I ultimately took it to mean that there are different parts of yourself and your personality that you should bring forth at different times. I like to think of myself as a hand of playing cards in the world as a poker game--you show different parts when it results in the best outcome for you, and when the time in the game calls for those cards.
That means around adults in formal settings, you play up an air of formality and sophistication. Around friends and peers, you let loose a little bit (depending upon who the peers are). Around great friends, you show the cards that reveal themselves when your hand goes slack and you don’t have to think about which cards to play.
That’s a fun tip, by the way, find the people who make you feel like you and hold on to them tight. No matter how bad you’d like to, you can’t force that core principle of true companionship.
Anyway, that probably isn’t any type of profound insight. I’m sure you carry this process out subconsciously and don’t have to put a ton of effort into it. However, it may be useful to pay attention to when different people make you feel as if you have to act a certain way. If a “friend” makes you feel like you’re carrying out requests or like you have to force things along, that friendship may not be that much of a friendship! Question the feelings that you get that draw out different parts of your personality in different contexts.
Just a quick little anecdote from my life:
I picked up a pizza delivery job a couple of weeks back in a restaurant run and operated by a family of Albanians that speak heavily accented English. Their remarks are short and to the point, and certainly lacking in extravagance. That means my responses are often short and concise to match, which makes for some pretty choppy conversations. On the car ride home from the pizza restaurant the other night, I thought back to conversations that I had with my English teacher about the intricate metaphors of Shakespeare and the merits of metaphysical transcendence.
I would never bring up any of that crap at work!
That’s because all I would get back is blank stares, maybe a confused grunt, and definitely some self-questioning about why I don’t actually know how to talk to people. But see, that’s okay because the playing cards I show at work are different than the ones I lay down in deep intellectual talk. We’re all made up of a bunch of different cards, so don’t feel the need to lay them all down at once for the sake of “always being yourself.”
The adaptability of your personality to different social contexts can play a large role in how comfortable you feel navigating through multiple social landscapes. And so now, I propose a challenge for you to be unapologetically conservative with revealing your personality for when the time is right, and when the people are right. Pay attention to who you are around different people, and you might just find better people and bolster your awareness of yourself!